Home Events What Santa taught me about Christmas and gaming

When I was a young child, my mom brought me to see Santa at the local mall. I was a little scared, but ultimately the thrill of seeing the man himself, the legend… it was a golden opportunity.

The mall was packed with children, most of them mouth-breathing wastes of genetic material. But not me. No, I was special because unlike all these brats with selfish desires, I just wanted to ask the man in red one question. As an unexpectedly tall elf ushered me onto Santa’s lap, I swallowed the nervous lump in my throat and stammered out my query.

“S-s-s-santa,” I began, “how come y-you only de-de-deliver presents to Christian boys and girls?”

The old man was taken aback, but a wisdom far beyond mortal years sparkled in his eyes. He stroked his beard thoughtfully, then struck me with a reply I’ll never forget.

“WiNGSPAN,” he said, “that’s not true at all. You see, every Christmas, I give the greatest gift of all to every child on Earth. I give them an endless stream of inexperienced newbs to destroy on the Internet.

His answer stirred something in my heart I couldn’t explain. It was a mix of childlike wonder, boundless joy, and possibly eroticism. But mostly joy. With a wink and a nod and a touch of his cap, he set me off to the photo stand to pick up the picture his elves had taken of us. But when my mom and I looked at the Polaroid, Santa wasn’t in it!

And that’s when I discovered Santa was a vampire, an ageless spirit nourished by the blood of the innocent. It explained all his powers, including the ability to fly, and the ability to induce erotic infatuation in the minds of his victims. It all made so much sense.

What’s the point of this story? Well, just because Santa was an incomprehensible demonic force bent on culling humans as livestock doesn’t mean he was wrong. That day he taught me the true meaning of Christmas, destroying noobs in online multiplayer videogames.

After all, what other time of year can you jump into a game of Assassin’s Creed, Call of Duty, Battlefield 3, or any other game and find it populated almost entirely of players who just got the game that fucking day? Unless there’s some other holiday called Orgasmas, I doubt you’re going to step into a better situation.

So, when you’re bummed about not getting that special game you wanted this year, do yourself a favor. Remember the wise words vampire Santa shared with me on that fateful morning. Go boot up Mortal Kombat or Uncharted 3 or whatever strikes your fancy, and bathe in the virtual blood of a thousand whining neophytes. Climb the leaderboards on the corpses of the uninformed, the uninitiated, the unprepared. Come to the understanding that Christmas exists, first and foremost, for beings like you to gorge themselves in points measured in the suffering of noobs everywhere.

And when you’ve satiated your bloodlust and the digital world has been cleansed of those beneath you, take a moment to thank Elder Lord Klaus for his wisdom, his generosity, and his blessing of the hunt. So be his dark will.

13 replies to this post
  1. Santa taught me to always trust strangers and get in their unmarked vans for candy.
    Now, to go pwn noobs on TF2 because the game is Che-Goddamnit.

  2. I have never thought of that.
    BRB leveling to 30 in ACR.
    I mean 50.

    Anybody else annoyed at how you are instantly shown a new video that you’ve unlocked whenever you leave the menu, EVEN WHEN IT’S THE START OF A GAME AND IT TAKES 2 MINUTES?

    I mean, why?

    I want to see vampire santa with the wisdom of the eons too :(

    • I was very annoyed by the videos until I noticed you can just skip them when you unlock them, take care of business in the game, then watch the videos in the MP menu at your leisure.

      • True, but it’s still plainly annoying. That’s two minutes of you getting stabbed over and over every 5 levels.

  3. dude epic artical. your a sick writer. very amusing. youve officially been bookmarked. hey! ever think of writing any strategy/humor related articles for DOTA 2?

      • lol so is everyone at first. 120 games later you’ll have some dominance over the dota noobs santa gives in constant stream. i know your into competitive games, dota 2 has gotta be the most competitive games out there. no lie. anyway, hope to see you in the servers so i can stomp you! then tell u how much i like your spy tutorials :D

  4. My brother suggested I might like this web site. He was once entirely right. This put up actually made my day. You cann’t imagine just how much time I had spent for this info! Thank you!

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