Look, I know I may have given some people the impression that I’m a hat-hungry hedonist. That I “manipulate” people in order to constantly increase my own virtual wealth. That I’m a terrible, terrible human being.
All of these things are true. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have standards.
In the blind fervor the TF2 community has demonstrated when it comes to hat trading, none can be more ridiculous than its obsession with Unusual Hats. Sure, they’re rare. They’re pretty. Some could even be considered mildly erotic. But if there’s one thing they’re not, it’s stealthy. After all, nothing says “Please put an arrow through my skull” like a Towering Pillar of Hats radiating sunbeams.
I know that things like living and helping one’s team aren’t normally that important in Team Fortress 2, but nothing makes these objectives harder to accomplish than activating what amounts to an Admin Beacon on your forehead. Whether it’s confetti, logos, or flies, your glowing e-peen is a homing beacon not only for Snipers, but for anyone who simply hates you on the basis of your elite hat ownership.
Of course, I’m not advocating that you shouldn’t trade for unusual hats. Of course you should, as they are highly valuable to suckers everywhere the more flamboyant TF2 gamers.
Just don’t wear them. It’s that easy.
So, fellow traders extraordinaire, before you don that Dazzling Dapper Topper, think, “What would WiNGSPANTT do?”*