Home Contests Take the Throne – Win Fable 3

Fable teaches us the important lesson that being poor is one's own fault.

Not everybody was born rich. I understand that. Many people can only afford to buy a new video game every week or so, instead of the typical 2-games a day purchasing habit. It’s unfortunate, but until society pulls itself up by its bootstraps and climbs the social ladder, I suppose there will always be have-nots.

Having everything I ever wanted provided to me since I was born, I can’t relate to that problem. When I’m shopping for games on Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday, I’ll stare curiously at the peons with fewer than 3 games in their shopping carts. If they can’t own every game for a system, why did they buy it in the first place?

Sometimes, I’ll buy an extra copy of a game I already own, and offer it to one of these unfortunate souls at checkout. Just as their faces alight with glee, I pull out my portable industrial-strength welding torch and melt the disc, right in front of their faces.

As their socialist worldview collapses on itself, I’ll remark, “Get a job, chumps.”

What does this have to do with Fable 3? Apparently during yesterday’s shopping excitement, I purchased an extra copy of Fable 3 and forgot to burn it. While I could still set it ablaze now, it seems kind of pointless to do so unless I can dishearten a lower-class individual. So, instead, I figured, “Why not give it away on Top Tier Tactics?”

Since this site’s readership has an average per capita income of $103,000 or more,* it’s safe to say this prize won’t be going to anyone who hasn’t earned it, year after dividend-paying year.

So, what do you have to do to win Fable 3?

The Contest – Two Chances to Win

For your chance to win Fable 3 for Xbox 360, comment on this article and/or on next Wednesday’s follow-up article.

For this week’s post, your comment must answer the question:
If you were King/Queen of the world, how would you punish the poor for their failures?

Simply put, tell us the most effective way of rubbing poverty in the faces of the impoverished, teaching them once and for all that they should know better than to be born poor. While the winning entry will be picked randomly, this topic ensures entrants are human and not commies. The topic for next week’s post will be delineated in the follow-up article.

Contest Rules

  • Void where prohibited, limited to persons 13 or older.
  • One (1) entry per person per contest post (maximum two [2])
  • One (1) Winner will be chosen at random by a random number generator
  • Winner receives one (1) new NTSC Xbox 360 version of Fable 3
  • Contest closes on November 7, 2010; Winner announced November 10, 2010
  • Entrants limited to residents of the United States and Canada
  • Winner will be contacted via e-mail address used to post comment
  • Winner forfeits prize if he/she does not respond within four (4) business days
  • WiNGSPANTT and TopTierTactics.com reserve the right to edit rules for clarity

*As determined by malware installed by TopTierTactics.com

68 replies to this post
  1. I would send them to a colony world in the outer reaches of the galaxy where they could eliminate the hostile buggers and make new planets safe for human settlers.

  2. A combination of community service and public embarrassment seems to be the most effective punishment. It helps the community, and warns others.

  3. I would make specific punishments for the failure they’ve done.

    Say, a poor person isn’t growing crops right: I’ll make him eat his horrible crops infront of everyone. And if he refuses, OFF WITH HIS HEAD! :D

  4. This sounds pretty awesome!

    It’s easy! Punish the poor by giving them TOO MUCH of what they lack! Not enough food? Bam! Dump a metric ton of Twinkies on them! Not enough cash? Fashion shoes made out of solid gold! Try walking to the bank in those!

    [edited by WiNG to limit entry count as per rules]

  5. I would punish the poor people by making them into a road. Thousands of poor people side bye side just for the rich to walk one.

  6. Well, if they’re not doing their jobs, there’s only one thing you could do! Make em’ play football! Ya see, football is a demanding sport. You gotta tackle people, and get tackled, and there’s a lot of running in football, that’ll kill your knees after a few years, even faster if you’re getting tackled.

    Of course since they’re the poorest servants of the land they won’t be able to afford gear, and if they don’t have gear they’re gonna get tackled harder. But that’s not the king of football John Madden’s problem.

  7. The best way to punish them would be to simply do nothing. If they truly wanted my attention, they should earn it by not being so poor.

  8. Dress them up and have them play Team Fortress 2 in the real world using my money to fuel the technology to enable the spy watches, and the medic equipment. OR

    Make them currency. Have a plant where they make more currency for me called the Brothmint. Enable such prices as an arm and a leg. Make a large billfold (a trifold) to keep them in. Imagine throwing people into a wishing well (their poverty ensures the lack of learning to swim). You could throw money away, burn money, have a large vat and swim through money like Scrooge McDuck. Never have to worry about loosing money. “Hey you haven’t spent me, come back don’t leave me.” A new TV show could be Watch the Dow Drop.

    [edited by WiNG to limit entry count as per rules]

  9. I would quite simply stand on my front porch and proceed to point and laugh at them. Nothing says “I’m wealthy” quite like blatant mockery.

  10. I would make them eat pudding, all day and all night. What’s that? Your full? Too bad, eat the damn pudding.

  11. I would buy them each a ticket that was worth a life’s supply of goat’s meat and bread (or what other crap peasants eat) and then I would toss it to them on the top of the tallest mountain on the windiest day in recorded history. Of course the tickets would blow off the mountain in the wind so they would either reluctantly jump off in earnest of gaining the ticket or sulk in their own pity.

  12. Wait, how will you know who actually won, seeing as anyone could copy the name of the person that won into their comment name?

    • I’m going to use a random number generator to choose a reply number. Then e-mail the person who won. Of course, right now you don’t appear to have registered with an e-mail address, so you’re currently ineligible to win.

  13. A suitable punishment would be to have them shovel up all the discarded Dreamcast disks and shovel them into the landfills.

  14. Put a locked, unbreakable glass box in their house. In that box is a bar of gold, 300,000$ cash, and the key to the box itself.

    Also I’d make them watch me skate on ice made of their frozen tears.

  15. Why I would make them buy gifts with any money they obtained and give them to the rich as they wallowed in poverty, the sight of seeing others joyed by the gifts but starving simultaneously would be true mental torture fit for the low class peasants peasants.

    Also I would make them play Edmund. (In addition to the torture-y gift-y thing.)

  16. For too long, poor people have been replaced with machinery, to quiet their incessant whining about “dangerous working conditions”. No longer. From now on, the poor will BE our machines. They will be fed a steady diet of oil and electricity (applied in any manner the wealthy factory owners shall see fit), “repaired” with other poor people’s limbs when their own invariably get torn asunder by the wheels of progress, and eventually sold to inner city schools when they become “obsolete”.

  17. If I was King, here is what I would do :

    I would make everyone in town royalty. Yes people, even peasants would become part of the royal family. Everyone would be equal, and no one would have any unfair advantages… Except me.

    Because when the peasants, and the poorest of the poor start becoming familiarized with the money, royalty, and wealth, I would downgrade ALL OF THEM (Even the previous royalty) to the poor people that they were or will become. The peasants will rage, the ex-royalty will suffer, and I will laugh.

  18. If i were King, I would publicly embarrass the peasant in front of the whole town by having them crawl around town like a worm, naked, while i rode on their back. Alternatively, i would have Eddie Van Halen torture them with the power of rock in my dungeon, which will make their head explode.

  19. It’s easy. Take away 50% (stacking) of their food for every offense. Then all of their money, and children. Then kill them.

    I probably would put them in jail for a reasonable amount of time

  20. If I were king: First I would treat them to a nice sushi dinner. I would pretend to reward the peasant with all sorts of treats like cute puppies and the love of his life. Then I would reveal that the love of his life was another man and make him allergic to puppies. I would subsequently hire a Gorilla named Mark and make him slowly beat the peasant to death with a roll of toilet paper as he is chained to a wall and wearing meat shoes while being licked by hungry puppies.

  21. If I were Queen of the world, I’d punish the poor by presenting them with everything they ever wanted. The catch? It’s all made out of the worst possible materials with the worst possible craftsmanship so it falls apart the moment they touch it.

    Wait, those are Nikes…

  22. The poor are conscripted into my massive army of Meat Shields and Screaming Projectiles, where they are invariable strapped to the chests of burly viking-esque men or flung by catapult at my enemies while strapped to a large board covered in knives, glass, other sharp objects, and that damn piece of wood in the silverware drawer that always puts a splinter right under my goddamn fingernail.

  23. “Entrants limited to residents of the United States and Canada”

    Can’t you just say North and South USA?.

  24. If you were King/Queen of the world, how would you punish the poor for their failures?

    First I have to put on my gold plated armor. That’s just a given, if you’re punishment doesn’t include you wearing a suit of gold, you should be disqualified.

    I would start by waiting for them underneath my favorite walking bridge, maybe in a park. Homeless people enjoy parks, and so do I, therefore this seems like the best solution. After they walk over said walking bridge, I would then sneak up behind the poor bastards and hit them over the head with my trusty diamond-tipped cane. Just to rub in the poor bastards face that I am not said poor bastard.

    I would then proceed to drag them to my meat locker, made of gold, and hang them up on hooks, yet again made of gold. Cutting said poor bastards limbs off with one of a plethora of spoons made of precious gems. Which precious gem-made spoon will I use? It depends on how my mood ring (made of gold of course) says I’m feeling that day.

    As I cut the poor kids up limb by limb, I can’t allow them to bleed out. I have to cauterize the wound. Now there are many ways to do this, but if you’re not using a blow torch, urdoinitwrong.

    Once I have cut off all of their flailing limbs. (Arms, Legs, Fingers, Toes, Wee-Wee). I’ll brand them with my PB&J(Poor Bastard, and Jealous) brand(made of gold). And set them free upon the world to crawl around on their stomachs and remind the rest of the world to GET A FUCKING JOB.

  25. If you were King/Queen of the world, how would you punish the poor for their failures?

    I would run around, showing off how much money I had and then start slowly killing off one by one all of the impoverished in my kingdom.

  26. 1.I would send out an army of 666 666 666 Mudkipz to destroy the campers/boosters/haxers/cheaters.
    2.I would order every religion cancelled and force everyone to praise Artemis.
    3.Steal bunch of shit.

  27. If you were King/Queen of the world, how would you punish the poor for their failures?
    I would give them all XBox 360 versions of Fable 3, but buy all the XBox 360s and sell them for exorbitant amounts. I would also make owning any old XBox 360s punishable by death. So now they have copies of Fable 3 for the XBox 360 but no XBox 360s to play them on!

  28. I would buy them each a ticket that was worth a life’s supply of goat’s meat and bread (or what other crap peasants eat) and then I would toss it to them on the top of the tallest mountain on the windiest day in recorded history. Of course the tickets would blow off the mountain in the wind so they would either reluctantly jump off in earnest of gaining the ticket or sulk in their own pity.

    So sorry for the mess up. This one has my email in it. I hope you can just delete my previous comment.

  29. Steps ;
    1 ) Stare at them with an upset look.
    2 ) Yell at them for something that was entirely out of their hands.
    3 ) Yell at them for failing in life.
    4 ) Yell at them for making my throat sore from all the yelling
    5 ) Wave my hand signaling a guard to whip them.


  30. give them millions of coins,invite them for dinner,send kill the family while he is watching,let hime watch while i kill everyone in town,take him to a cliff,take my gold back,put my gold armor on,make them dance,cut of one of their legs and make them walk around like that for a week,then cut off the other leg,make him walk like that for 2 weeks,then cut his arm off and make him stay like that for 3 weeks,then cut of his other arm and make him walk like this for a month,then i shall cut off his torsos and make his stay like that for 2 months,and when i am only down to his head and give him all the money sow his mouth shut and leave hime in a cave with only a bear the gold and his head for the rest of his life and 50 years later i go back to the cave and blow it up catch the head in mid-air and play baseball with it and hit a homerun into a lake full of deadly fish :)

  31. This is a true story. I was in the Philippines for vacation. We were eating at Chili’s and I ordered bottomless chips. As I was eating them, I noticed there was a street kid looking at me from the window. I stared him down while I ate my chips. The security guard finally noticed the kid and decided to stand in front of the window to block the kid. The kid would peek around the guard but I never relented. I think we went through 2 bowls of chips until another guard went outside and shooed the kid.

  32. take the throne? sure, let the poor be poor and let the rich be rich, have the bystanders look at you with happiness and envy,or become a walking nightmare. fable 3 sounds like it might be good, so why not? iguess i’ll try to win one.

  33. I would punish the poorfor their failures by making them kill off one of their children every 3 years (just long enough to get to know and love them) I would then force each family to either pay $100,000 to bury the child or be payed $100 and be forced to eat the child they killed.

  34. Step 1: cut a hole in the box
    Step 2: put your junk in that box
    Step 3: have them open the box
    and that’s the way you do it!

    now they call the police, your arrested, and the game is taken in as evidence. then when your released and they give you your possessions…BAM! they don’t realize you didn’t pay for it!

  35. I’d make them work at a chicken factory, after I built it of course, and then laugh at them for such things… because they work at a CHICKEN FACTORY! :)

  36. I would make a Condom factory and talk to them everyday about sex and what fun things you could do with them and laugh and have a great time everyday with my workers!

  37. start to give them food then take it back and eat it fast then punch their faces yell at them then eat their souls yummy

  38. I would make the poor work in a gold smithing warehouse, that way they would see oooooodles of cash everyday, but not be able to take any of it home.

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