Who invented Mondays, anyway? Was it God? Was it Thomas Jefferson? Was it the ancient Gregorians?
Perhaps all of existence, including time itself, is simply a giant construct designed to infuriate its participants. Perhaps, on the highest plane of existence there sits a being whose entire delight rests in trolling humanity.
Step 1: Invent Mondays
Now, I realize that complaining about Mondays isn’t original, or tacical, or even entertaining. One might wonder “Did WiNG just run out of things to write about? Perhaps we didn’t send him enough money?”
While that’s certainly part of the problem, the larger issue is general ennui and a shake of writer’s block. So, I present to you an oldie-but-a-goodie: my guide to the ultimate Facebook game, Wasting Other Peoples’ Time and Toying With Their Emotions…
The Most Dangerous Game
- Choose the “Like this!” option on sad status updates. How will Ken react when you “like” his status, “I never knew I could hurt this much inside”? Who knows? You can always claim you were actually liking his introspection.
- Choose a random friend you never talk to. Go through their 2nd oldest photo album and find a picture of something pointless, like of their backyard, or a random building, or someone you don’t know. Now post a baffling, cryptic comment. “I’m glad to see things haven’t changed.” After they receive your odd, unsettling remark, feel free to ignore the inevitable follow-up private message.
- Send a random Gift to someone you never talk to. Don’t include any explanation.
- Always always tag people’s butts, hands, toes, or backs in photos. Never tag the face, even if it’s visible. Better yet, tag their cars.
- Post a link to the most hate-ridden website possible. Don’t comment on it. Is it scary, or satire? Your audience gets to decide. Everyone’s a winner.
- Find pictures of celebrities on-line, preferably in casual settings. Save the pictures to your phone’s memory card, then upload it to Facebook as a Mobile Photo Upload, naming the photo simply with the celebrity’s name. When people ask where you saw them, name the place that person most frequents in town.
- Know someone who posts way too much? Poke them. Every time they post. Since poking is pretty much universally hated by now, you can at best pin your hopes on provoking a Pavlovian response to their endless posting. If they ask you to stop, that probably warrants a poke.
- Never leave comments on anything other than “I don’t get it.”
- Choose an acquaintance and post a nonsensical but seemingly-out-of-context blurb on their wall. “Hahhaa, right! Well, at least in America, anyway!” If they respond (they won’t), feign ignorance.
- Create a group named after a mutual friend/acquaintance of most of your Facebook friends. Invite everyone you know except that person to the group. Do not add any information, updates, or posts to the group other than a single picture of the subject’s face.
- Update your favorite music, movies, quotes, etc every day. Remove and re-add the same band every 2 or 3 days for the most surreal experience possible.
- Create a blank Paint document and use the Type Tool to write down the names of 4 or 5 friends. Upload the JPEG to Facebook and tag each name to its corresponding friend. Delete the inevitably confused comments.
- Get into arguments with the friends of your friends you don’t know in the comments section of any post. If you’re reprimanded, just claim you posted it by accident.
- Find a wide-angle picture of a graveyard and upload it to Facebook. Tag random people to random headstones. Erase any comments posted.
The lulz never stop
Looking for more way to embarrass your friends, your family, and yourself? Check out Top Tier Tactic’s follow-up post: More Ways to Troll Facebook.