When I looked at this month’s traffic numbers for the site, I was amazed to see they had grown three times in size. Apparently, one of the site’s older articles on the art of trolling your Facebook “friends” had gotten quite popular, presumably because mankind as a social creature is doomed and all levels of personal interaction are, in fact, part of an intricate farce.
I can’t pretend to know each individual’s motivation, be it spite, jealousy, or sociopathic tendencies. I just write the articles – it’s up to you to decide what to do with them.*
Whatever the reason may be, the masses have spoken: making acquaintances uncomfortable, angry, and afraid is the cool thing to do. Today, we’ll explore more ways to erode the fragile bonds that hold our virtual communities together.
For the lulz.
“I just became a fan of everything you’ve ever done”
Ever wish you got special recognition for your accomplishments? How about for your failures? How about just for getting up in the morning without emptying buckshot into your skull? While you can’t award yourself for such mundane tasks (that would be kinda creepy) you can make one of your friends feel extra special!
- Create a Facebook page or group named after your target friend
- Invite every one of that person’s friends to ‘Like’ the page or join the group
- Constantly update the page or group with your friend’s status updates, newest photos (don’t forget to add yourself to them!), and real-life happenings, if you’re aware of them
- The more fawning or intimate the updates, the better
- If the actual person tries to join the group, kick them. Explain that it’s for fans only.
“Choosing to be a jerk is a kind of pro-choice”
If there are two things the average person appreciates, they’re moral indignation and disturbing, violent imagery. While some people change their profile picture to a cartoon to raise awareness of child abuse, why stop there? Change your profile picture to an image of an aborted fetus to protest abortion. Are you pro-life? Pro-choice? Who cares! Make sure to explain your decision with a condescending statement and a bullshit ‘fact’ like “The Catholic church will donate $4 to bombing abortion clinics for every person who changes their profile picture to an aborted fetus.”
If anyone finds your taste objectionable or disagrees with your conservative viewpoint, you could always start a new campaign: pictures of Maxim models to raise awareness of breast cancer, or pictures of Nickelback concerts to raise awareness of tone-deafness.
“So say we all”
It’s not surprising that your more religious friends post Bible quotes as status updates. Sometimes, they’re poignant reminders of the value of faith or sacrifice. Other times, they’re seemingly random tidbits without reason or context. Why not raise the bar?
- Grab a Bible and find an obscure verse with absolutely no value whatsoever
- Update your status, “Exodus 26:7”
- After your pals spend seconds of their precious, fleeting lives looking up the verse, ignore any questions they have about it
- Once a large enough discussion about goats has started, edit your original status to “Matthew 6:24”
- Close the trade window.
“The queen bee”
Change every single one of your interests, favorites, schools, jobs, and quotes so that each is misspelled by a single letter. If anyone tries to correct one of the mistakes, update it to be spelled with a different letter wrong, then poke the person. The corrections will end after enough pokes have been administered.
“Wish you were here”
Everyone loves getting tagged in photos, whether it’s at a family BBQ, a workplace function, or an illicit underground orgy. But what happens when you attend an event, only to be left out of pictures? How will anyone know you were the guy or gal who threw up all over the carpet? Here are two great options:
- Not in a picture? Tag yourself in the picture anyway, preferably over someone else’s face.
- Better yet, download the image and, using the power of MS Paint, add yourself to the picture, then re-upload it as the new and improved version… starring you! Of course, access to Photoshop is preferred, since a better job of digitally photobombing the event will cause all the more confusion. Don’t forget to tag the original picture participants, so they can see the new and improved photo!
Protip: You can also preferably apply these methods to photos of events you didn’t attend. Let them know you were at Nonna’s funeral in spirit, even if you weren’t there in person.
*Top Tier Tactics and WiNGSPANTT disavow any responsibility for your immature, bullshit antics.