Home Editorial Uber Update: Unjustified Opinions

TF2-Uber-UpdateWhile it won’t be another day or two until the Team Fortress 2 Uber Update is released, that doesn’t mean the staff of Top Tier Tactics can’t make uneducated statements about the value of every weapon and pair of shoes in the game!

What are the best new additions? What are the worst? And more importantly, how will we humiliate our foes while we rub their noses in our new-found lewt?

Hit the break to join in on our childish ranting!


Worst new item: The Persion Persuader. Because the Demoman didn’t have enough melee items yet.

Best new item: The Detonator. Because nothing says “I’m on fire” quite like “You’re on fire”.

Your new micspam using this great new item: “Mumbling death from above!”


Worst new item: The Winger. I literally see no use for this weapon. At all. More pistol damage is nice, but without clip size you might as well just keep the original and fire off another shot.

Best new item: The entirety of One Thousand and One Demoknights. Makes the class into Melee Fortress 2.



Worst new item: The Family Business. I don’t see the point of fiddling with a Heavy shotgun. Why? Because you have a minigun for close range stuff, why would you ever switch from a minigun to a shotgun? I have a feeling that no one will be using this gun at all.

Best new item: The Bazaar Bargain. All the people out there who consider themselves to be super-duper-hand-of-God Snipers will immediately start using this and will promptly start fucking up the bonus. I’m not saying there aren’t good Snipers out there but the people who are most vocal regarding Headshots vs Bodyshots are, in general, whiny assholes who don’t really get the point of the class. Not only that but the genuinely good Snipers who get headshots without even trying will get a nice little reward.


Space Hamlet

Worst new item: The Tomislav.  It looks very powerful, but allowing the heavy a powerful alpha-strike makes up for the inherent disadvantages of the class, reducing the Tomislav heavy to a “standard shooty guy” class.  Not so good for the metagame!  I forsee a nerf.

Best new item: The Disciplinary Action.  Because when I directly benefit from the buffs I can give to the already unbalanced Tomislav heavies, they are suddenly good for the metagame!

Your new micspam: “Hypocrisy, go!”


Worst new item: The Atomizer. Scouts are annoying enough as it is, and with the FaN suddenly they have FOUR fucking jumps. God on knows where they’ll pester me from now.
Best new item: The Disciplinary Action. Now I can make other players my bitch.
Your new micspam: “You like that, dontcha bitch!?”

Rabid Ferret

Worst new item: Every spy weapon. I don’t see myself using any of them.

Best new item: The goomba boots. That sounds like fun to me.


73 replies to this post
  1. I completely like everything, EXCEPT THE GODDAMN DEMOMAN SET. Mostly because Its DEMOMAN.
    Not goaroundandswingaswordman. Blow up stuff, not charge everywhere. I think everything else is great. Except winger. Winger sucks.

  2. The Atomizer….dear god, as if I didn’t hate scouts enough…and with the downsides being negligible, it only gives them a new way to make me say FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

  3. – Valve gives Demoman a sword and targe
    – Players use Demoman as a melee only class
    – Valve releases melee only stuff for the Demoman
    – Players act shocked and complain

  4. Worst New Item: The Eviction Notice. The Heavy’s wearing POINTY knuckles. How do you do LESS damage than your goddamn fists?

    Best New Item: The Big Earner. I can stab Rabid Ferret for hating the Spy items.

    Your New Micspam: “I’m low on cloak LET ME STAB YOU!”

  5. Tf2 is free.
    Well not really free. You have to spend 5 dollars to get a premium account.
    So the free part, is really more like a demo.
    If you already have the game, you have membership.
    And a free hat.

    • It’s not really like a demo at all. The free account is what a lot of people have been whining about wanting in a long time; TF2 without trading, hat drops and a stupid number of unlocks in your backpack. If you pay the 50p or what ever stupidly low price it is to get a premium account, all you get is extra backpack space, the chance of better drops and trading a.k.a “All the things that have destroyed TF2” – Twatty McTurdmuncher.

      • Remember this though. Even if you don’t have this stuff, other people will. So, you’ll be equally pissed of at people laughing at your poore-Irishness and, lolololololo u don’t have a Sandvich trololol.

  6. Come on, surely I’m not the only person reading this website that actually likes the gimmicky stupidity of murdering everyone with the nearest available sharp piece of metal that is playing (or playing against) a demoknight?

    I just hope the persuader doesn’t become absolutely useless with the inevitable nerf.

    Serious gameplay comments though: The Fucking Detonator. That’s all I need to say.

    (Well, besides The Fucking Scout Hacksbat. Seriously. Four jumps with FAN.)

    • Due to the new Demo items, I’ll be playing Demoknight.

      Maybe this is a Euro/US difference thing but not many people on the servers I play on use the FaN. At all. Worrying about how many jumps a Scout has just seems kind of nit-picky.

  7. Man I’m a SC2 player so I’m pretty jerkish about balance. I guess I have to wait for the items to come out. I kinda find it intresting how blizzard patches and perfects its content where valve sloppily adds more content. I guess it is two philosophies one catering to pros and the other to pubs respectively. I personally like Blizzard’s style A LOT more.

    In b 4 someone tells me you cannot compare tf2 and sc2, I’m not I’m comparing the game updating philosophies.

    • To say that Valve just releases more content isn’t fair when they do work to make the items balanced. One could argue that Valve spends more time considering balance as they test the items in beta for quite a while before releasing it into the main game and then /maybe/ changing it at a later date due to fuckwits not realising that they should change their play style. Blizzard, however, releases a patch to the wild, sees how it goes and then releases two or three other patches to perfect the first patch. This comes from experience with World of Warcraft, however.

      Inb4 someone tells me I can’t compare WoW to SC2.

    • I see TF2’s balance theory more in the same line like Marvel vs Capcom 2. The idea is that you can add a TON of stuff, and the player base will find the best and make it work. Anything that’s not up to par will get tweeked to be better; (The current Flaregun for example, Backburner went though a couple of tweeks as well from nerf to buff,) but overall, the amount of items available makes it so that ever item is situational (If not cosmetic) and those that cover the most situations are better then the rest.

      A good example is a Bear Heavy vs Natasha vs standard. The standard Minigun is the best for almost all situations, the Natasha (In it’s current iteration) is great against scout and fast teams, and Brass Beast is a good Defense weapon to protect the last point with.

  8. The new crafting recipes are batshit insane.
    8X jarate and A reclaimed so you can see enemies health.
    Madmilk, kritzkrieg, rec for quick fix.
    ^ i ain’t giving up my milk.
    Primary is crusaders crossbow rec and something else.
    I Am disappoint. I bet the prices for these items are gonna be also batshit insane.
    Tf2=Free? Nope.
    Pretty much not having premium is a demo.

  9. My thoughts about each weapon:

    Soda Popper: Sure, why not, give them even more of a trolling no skill weapon than the FaG already is!
    Atomizer: As if Scouts couldn’t reach high enough already! I can already see several map exploits with this.
    Winger: Bullshit. Technically, this weapon could be good, but for that, you would have to reach higher skill levels than 99% of the tf2 community do (Counting the 9001 mingebags that play it for free now). It’s a simple design, a little more damage per bullet for WAY less bullets. Yet, the only situation it could be good in would be with enemies constantly diving behind cover and only rarely giving you a good shot which you can hit. How likely is that?

    Tomislav: I don’t get the point of this. sure, faster silent spin up is great, but 20% less firing speed translates into 20% less damage done. And since corners where you could surprise them with a silent minigun already work well with just spinning up that point blank meatwolf.
    So it could only be useful in situations like first point on badwater, where there are many line of sight breakers to hide your existence, but just that short to medium range where anything could kill you during spin up.
    The Family Business: Seriously. NOBODY uses the shotgun, and those that do are good enough shots to hit and thus deal more damage with the regular shotgun. Also, weren’t such shotguns invented AFTER tf2 plays?
    The Eviction Notice: Logic aside, because that DOES NOT apply at all to this weapon, it just hits more, but the overall damage output is lower, so it’s a pure bad aim weapon. Also, only babies don’t fight with bare hands.

    The Enforcer: Is there a hidden -80% ammo stat? Because I have seen spies always only firing one shot. Looks like a pretty powerful thing in combination with the DR, since that isn’t affected by the cloak time increase.
    The Big Earner: Valve appears to like to mess with the spy’s base health. It’s mostly a knife L’Étranger, restoring a total of 80% of your cloak if you pick up the weapon.
    The Made Man: Since they list it apart that way, I assume it’s a taunt like DV. I would find that pretty sweet overall.

    The Bazar Bargain: Like our favorite viking already said, it will pretty surely odd the true professionals out from those with feelings. But I can already see ppl flaming everybody for not using the weapon a pro should use.
    The Shahanshah: Because there weren’t enough “Looks like I’m dying…no u!” weapons already. What might happen if one of those and an equalizer collide?

    One Thousand and One Demoknights: That’s about how many of those are on a normal server. This set and every part is overpowered and breaks the spirit of the demoman. Nerf inc!

    The Mantreads: We herd u liek gaming, so we put mario in ur tf2…
    Most the maps aren’t made for such, but with the Rocket Launcher, it could be DAMN effective AND trolling at the same time!
    The Disciplinary Action: Pack a scout and a Quick Fix medic and you can start a medic speed delivery service. But that would be teamplay…
    The Liberty Launcher: This. Weapon. Is. Terrible. Period. It combines The Direct Hit and The Black Box (Why does every name start with “The”?), but only the worst stats of each.

    The Reserve Shooter: This might be a nice weapon in the right hands. Kill 3 maggots with perfectly balanced* random point blank rockets, throw up the last one and then shotgun it. Like Puff’n’Sting with the Pyro, and you know how much the com loves that strategy.
    The Market Gardener: Come on. What are the odds for you to jump somewhere, stay unnoticed and thus unkilled AND land a melee hit on somebody that is there by random chance BEFORE landing. I think that is about the probability of JB to ever hit puberty.


    • Actually, it’s fairly easy meleeing someone on a rocket jump. It takes some practice, but I guess this weapon rewards people who can pull it off.

    • I noticed I left out some weps, so…

      Quick fix: This medi gun isn’t made for the start of the round, neither is it for defensive situations where you will have much territorial control and silent moments. Instead, it’s awesome for quickly healing up teammates under fire and providing soft ubers, which will heal for an amazing 100.8 hp each second if the patient is under fire and make you immune against the all beloved natascha and what not.
      Also, the movement speed bonus lets you move to the front a little faster if there is a scout to pick you up. See TDA for best use.

      The Solemn Vow: Technically, like the amputator, it has NO downsides to the bonesaw, but is not an uber- or vita saw, meaning that you have rather big downsides. also, it costs EIGHT jarate and a refined metal to craft it (or was it reclaimed?). WHAT THE? Also, the only use would be spotting low health targets and maybe picking them off, but that’s what patients and spies are for.

      The Overdose: So, per 10% of ubercharge, you move 1% faster. That is as lame as it sounds, but it may play a little role in getting away from dem battle medics when you have an uber ready. Since it deals 10% less damage, it’s mostly defensive.

      • Just to point something random out, Hippocrates was the first person in history known to practice urine therapy. The craft receipt was more of a joke than anything else.

        Really really really late, I know.

      • That would probably be better, but craft receipts really make such a small difference it’s ridiculous. Everyone has agreed that the value of a weapon reduces to a scrap after two and a half weeks (It’s a bit different than that, but valveconomy is kinda hard to pin) Valve jokes with the craft receipts because they know so few people really craft weapons. (They decided the craft receipt before they decided to go F2P I imagine). Plus, having a solemn vow you crafted really adds to the big dick feeling a lot of the uber update weapons introduced. (I’m looking at you, hale’s own charge-n-targe)

      • Hale doesn’t need a razorback! His back kills any spy that comes within ten feet!

        (Although, that probably means Stabby Stabby has found one way or another to kill him.)

    • OOH HO HOO.
      He has you there ferret.
      Weps I want: Detonator. Because pyres weren’t annoying enough. Now you can have 5 health points, and see a pyro miss a flare, thinking “OOH. That was close.” Only to have it blow up in your face.
      Wep I hate: The winger. Unless you are god, or have godlike aim, I’d just spam with the regular pistol.
      Shashashashashashashashashannah. Don’t hate it, just wanted to try and spell it.

      Also:Market Gardener is pretty damn useless. Unless they give it a Crit bonus 2-4 secs after jump, but only with the shovel.

      • In its current state, the Winger is pretty useless.

        On the other hand, we have the Soda Popper, which is my new best friend as Scout. Minicrits by running around? Aw yeah.

        It’s a shame it triggers automatically. But by switching to another weapon, you can get around that (It only builds while the Popper is out).

        Also, if used right, the Quick Fix is godly. Yesterday I had a medic on me as a Scout on Turbine, with a Level 3 Sentry in their intel room. He ubered, I absorbed all the Sentry bullets, without knockback, got the Intel, and made the winning capture.

        (This is Vide0Gam3r, by the way, I just shortened my name a little.)

      • The Winger can actually be pretty decent when paired with the Soda-Popper, I find. If you get both shots from your minicrit popper into a guy and they’re still alive, it’ll usually take the winger one or two shots to finish them, while taking three or four for the regular handgun. Which can make the difference!

      • The winger will take a guy down more quickly, but if you don’t have a good aim, or mini crits, I’d bring along the pistol instead.
        More damage per clip.
        So if you want a good all around wep, get pistol.
        If you want a weapon that’s strong unde the righ circumstances, take the winger.

  10. Yesterday I opened a crate and got a Strange Direct Hit. Turns out it has a kill counter, and when you reach a certain amount of kills with the weapon it ranks up. So far I have 103 kills and ranked it up to a Mildly Threatening Direct Hit. And I don’t even like using the damn thing. But…I did so well…

    • Strange weapons are just valve making up insanely simple shit that will net them a shit ton of money.
      Just slap an adjective to a weapon or hat… 4x more valuable.
      Genuine. Vintage. Unusual. Strange. Ect.
      Well played walker, money off of shit that is so damn simple.

    • Just do it. You’ll see if ppl will approve or not.

      Also, I’ve had a chance to test some of dem weapons

      The demo set is only useful if you use at least the sword and the shield
      But when you have the full set, it’s amazing, and by amazing I mean as hard to play as arcane mages and overpowered as shit.
      Let’s start with the least worry, the boots. Those give you +25 health and somewhat more turning control while charging. Now, that doesn’t sound so bad, since half the weapons have a health bonus/penalty. The turning control only means that you will be able to charge in a 10° curve instead of just straight. It’s downside is, let me think, NOT BEING A NADE LAUNCHER.
      That means that you are completely disarmed in ranged weapons, which are what makes your class useful (busting sentries much?) since you will be using a shield with this.

      The Splendid Screen gives you 25% fire and 20% explosive damage resistance. Also, it can deal charge impact damage at any range and deals 70% more of that, meaning that if you know how to bash, you’ll have 85 damage ready every few seconds. That is more than a non crit melee attack!

      The Persian Persuader increases charge charging rate by a charging 100% of normal charge charging rate. That means that enemies charged with taking you chargin’ Charger out will have to deal with chargin’ twice as much charges from their favorite charger enemy. Also, it makes the word “Charge” start sounding incredibly stupid in your head. Charge!
      Also, it makes every ammo pickup become health for you, with the conversion of 1:1 from metal to health points. It deals mediocre damage at best, but can be crit boosted with the Screen.

      And that’s where the trolling part begins.
      I think you are meant to hit a crit on the end of your charge, but if you fail, you might get a bash. Now, with the Screen, bashing is your main damage source*. But…the crit boost lingers one or two seconds after bashing, meaning that, with correct timing, you will get a 85 damage bash AND a 195 crit melee attack because the persuader has the PERFECTLY FINE range of the eyelander.

      Also, you can just spam both mousebuttons and keep demo screaming because the sound plays fully, but you can interrupt charge by melee attacking, keeping you at the charge meter level you had before that. And since it recharges so fast, you can keep spamming it.

      *And your main trolling source. Try bashing in a map like Nucleus. Both the results and the reactions were hilarious.

      BTW, if a certain person wanted yet another cynic for his site to write texts about gaming in general and games…*raises hand*

      • Yeah, about the usefulness of the set: just played a Badwater match earlier today, and there was a Demoknight on the attacking team. His usefulness when it came to pushing back the defense was practically none. He couldn’t do a damn thing to the sentries due to the lack of explosive weapons (the primary purpose to playing a Demo to begin with) and could only peek out of the corner and stare at them. Although he DID make a pretty sweet escape from an aerial knockback trap from a sentry. It seems like Demoknights can’t do anything that doesn’t involve smacking things. Clearing sentry nests, creating choke points with sticky traps, cover fire; you lose the ability to do these things when becoming a Demoknight. It might be useful for Medieval Mode or trolling, but that’s about it.

      • However, the set just came out, and with the quicker charge time, I’m sure some people in the TF2 community will find really creative ways to use this set.

      • Definitely. Not just hacking away at stuff.
        Maybe a good demo could use knockback to separate medic/Patients? Maybe even during über. Or bashing people into a friendly sentry gun’s range.

      • Seriously? You expect demos to use their trolling overpowered skills to TEAMPLAY?
        Keep dreaming bro, accidentally bumping into the medic because he ubered after he started charging is the best you can expect from a regular demoknight.

        Demos are somewhat like mages in WoW.

        Standard loadout is fire. You can deal a LOT of damage with it if you have the skills and situation to.
        Any loadout including shield and sword, but keeping the nade launcher is frost. You have great mobility and some cooldowns to troll your opponents when you should be dead.
        The new set is arcane. Involves bashing a single key for some time, then another key. Yet it deals extreme damage and is just not balanced. It also WOULD have some teamplay mechanics but…AB! AB! AB! AB! AB! AB! AB!

      • I’d prefer the standard setup. Or the scottish resistance over the demoknight.
        It might be fun, but so Is watching the other team try and make their push, but an ubered couple steps over your stickies…
        THEM BAM.
        They fly to the other side of the map. Or maybe they even fall off the map like in some hightower.

  11. My new micspam is Rebecca Black’s New album. LOL, is the name of the album.
    I intend to use this to make my opponents roll over, foam at the mouth, then spontaneously combust.

  12. Bazaar Bargain= Flawed.
    This gun, encourages head shots.
    But. It also encourages body shots.
    And punishes you for body shots.
    So if you do get 5 heads (Max heads)
    Than you get full charge in 1 second. You use this to body shot. Now 4 heads. 3 heads. 2. None.
    I skipped 1 btw.
    Just use standard sniper rifle. This weapon is just for dudes who want to make their E-Peens big.

      • If you’re that good at getting headshots, to the point where you have 3 heads, (10% increase in charge), wouldn’t it be much simpler to use 2-3 quickscopes? I mean if you have 5 heads, without missing, you are. A: Patient. B:Godlike. C:Hacker, like in your how to soldier vid.
        Or D: Just that damn good.
        The gun is only good after 3 headshots. I’m not saying, it’s impossible to get 3 headshots in a row. I’m saying it’s close to impossible to never ever miss. Just use stock rifle Instead.
        You are now free to poke holes in my argument.

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