All right, Gabe. We get it. We all had a good laugh. You put us through our paces with this Grordbort thing.
“Haha, look, some sci-fi weapons! We could use those in TF2, haha!”
“Oh, they’re really in the game. Well, hopefully the Engineer gets them to round out his terrible assortment of weapons choices and revitalize him as a real cla-“
“Okay now seriously, what the fuck?“
Look… as my dear readers know, I’m not one to whine when it comes to Team Fortress 2. In fact, one of the most popular articles ever on this site was my position that TF2 players are far too whiny. And for that reason, I’m not going to whine. I’m not even going to whimper. But I think I speak for half the community when I say the Soldier needs more weapons like Somalia needs more starving.
We all know Soldier is the best class by a metric mile. He flies through the air with the greatest of crits, raining down death on everything below with relative impunity. He’s almost always the star of both pub and competitive games, and the in-depth Soldier strategy required to play him makes him a deep, rewarding gameplay experience. But let’s be honest here: he doesn’t need more weapons, hats, or misc items.
Let’s put things “in perspective” as my high school “math” teacher used to say:
- The Soldier has 21 weapons
- The Scout has 19 weapons
- The Engineer has 9 fucking weapons, 10 if you count the Golden Wrench
Is… is that what this is about Valve? Are the designers pissed that they poured effort into the Engineer’s 10th item, only to have it summarily removed? Because if that’s it, I sincerely apologize to the Team Fortress 2 community. I feel super bad about making Valve so angry over giving the Engineer cool toys that they just stopped doing it entirely. After all, what other explanation could there be?
Is there a reason the Engineer can’t get new weapons? New bionic arms? New buildings? Even if balancing new buildings would be impossible, why can’t the Engineer get some fun skins like the Holy Mackerel? Is it so far beneath the game’s designers to even touch the Engineer that he is forever relegated to joke status?
In the Uber Update, the Engineer got nothing. In fact, not only did he get nothing, he got laughed at by Valve, who also sought fit to give the Soldier two goddamn sets of weapons. The Engineer has remained nearly identical to his original gameplay, while the Soldier is now capable of all manner of idiocy:
- He can deal huge AOE splash damage
- He can inflict large hitscan damage
- He can heal himself and his allies
- He can give himself and his allies speed boosts
- He can give himself and his allies critical bonuses
- He can rocket jump and kill enemies by landing on them
- He can set enemies on fire
- He can juggle enemies and forestall Uber pushes
- He can cap at 2x the normal rate
- He can take a headshot and grow more powerful from it
The Engineer? He can only watch his constructions get blown to bits before giving up and whacking it behind a dispenser all day. If there really is an Athena, she better pull some deus ex machina pronto and rescue our best buddy builder before he blows his brains out from boredom.