Home News Gamestop hackers intentionally remove lines of code from Steam version of Deus...

As part of its ongoing commitment to providing “Power to the players,” Gamestop announced today that it would ensure “No copy of Deus Ex: Human Revolution would reach a consumer’s hands unmolested.” Following yesterday’s admission by the brick and mortar gaming superchain that it had intentionally removed coupons from physical copies of the game sold in its stores, the company stated “We believe what gamers want more than anything else is to have less content, pre-opened packaging, and for our dicks to be rammed down their throats as deep as possible at every turn.”

Paul Raines, Gamestop’s CEO, defended attacks from publishers, human rights activists, and gaming “journalists” who were enraged that the monolith admitted to hiring hackers to break into Steam’s secure servers and “take all the good shit out of [Deus Ex].” Unlike the physical copies of the game, which had previously contained a code for a free digital version of Human Revolution on the OnLive streaming service, Steam copies accessed by Gamestop had other content removed.

Upon launching the first-person shooter via Steam, many users found they no longer had access to basic gameplay mechanics such as “jumping” or “not dying when they put the robot parts in you at the beginning.” Other users found missing textures or music tracks, and almost all players who also had the OnLive client installed on their hard drives discovered access to the platform had been mysteriously blocked.

“When gamers shop at Gamestop,” Raines said in between gorging himself on the fatted meat of human infants, “they’re looking for a defined experience. Companies who concept, develop, and publish video games don’t understand what players want. We do.” When asked how this applied to Steam, Raines continued, “When gamers don’t shop at Gamestop, we find they spend most of their time wishing they had shopped there. So we’re bringing the experience to gamers, no matter how far they’ve managed to crawl from our clutches.”

While it is currently unknown how Gamestop’s team of hackers infiltrated Valve’s servers and edited millions of lines of code, the digital distributor is currently not taking any action to correct the situation. Pressed for comment, Valve President Gabe Newell remarked, “We could undo the damage, but it’s Gamestop! What if they find out it was me and cancel my subscription to Game Informer? I’ll never know if there’s a new Madden game coming out next year.”

14 replies to this post
    • Well, the widowmaker and the short circuit are useless.
      The machine and diamond back are useful a Lot of the time, diamond back for a little extra power, and the machine for LAZURS. PEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEW.
      Still, use enforcer or ambassador over the diamondback.
      Use the machina, but for the Lulz.

  1. I heard about this yesterday, apparently they don’t like promoting any competitive services with out a partnership first.
    They sound slightly less douchey now.

  2. So, let me get this clear.
    Assuming this article is true…
    Gamestop removed OnLive codes because it was not their promotion.
    They hired hackers to BREAK INTO STEAM and break the game that was stored there.
    They are an even bigger pile of arsonists than Apple or my old school.

    Wow, I’m never again shopping there. Like, I wasn’t going to anyway, because they still have Euros-> Francs at 1.5 and not 1.15, as it belongs. But still…
    Why?
    Valve just HAS TO sue their asses all the way till they’re coming out of their mouths.

    It does sound a little unbelievable, though.

  3. Of course it’s unbelievable. It’s only half the story. Every story involving Steam is spun one way or the other. Watch, I’ll do one now. Steam monitors data stored in your system and is therefore spyware. They say their purposes are benign and for the benefit of the gamer, but how can anyone be certain that that’s true? I wouldn’t trust Gabe Newell any further than I could throw him (and we’ve all seen that guy. Nobody’s throwing him) Thank you and good night.

    • Remember; Every time someone makes a fat joke about gaben, half life 3 gets postponed a week.
      Plus… Valve reads t3 (maybe). They might banhammer you :(

      • Guy923 maybe it’s a weak joke on Willis showing his humility. I know I could throw him far*:P

        *Utilizing the same strength mother’s use to raise the car and retrieve their child from underneath*

        *Why was the child under the car?*

        *What’s with all the footnotes?

      • I could throw him about as far As I could throw a feather.
        Gabenisthinggabenisthingabenisthingabenisthingabenisthin
        Please make HL3 come out gaben.

      • You do know that feathers have terrible air movement, and thus stop at best a few decimeters from where you threw them, including flying back and forth, like feathers do?

        *EP3 crit*

        Thin textbox is thin while in the replyception. A reply within a reply within a reply within a reply.

  4. Det tredje element af stabilitet er plast skaft, der er placeret lige under svangen og holder den eneste stive i det pågældende område, forhindrer det i at vride unaturligt og undgå sprinked ankler.

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