As part of its ongoing commitment to providing “Power to the players,” Gamestop announced today that it would ensure “No copy of Deus Ex: Human Revolution would reach a consumer’s hands unmolested.” Following yesterday’s admission by the brick and mortar gaming superchain that it had intentionally removed coupons from physical copies of the game sold in its stores, the company stated “We believe what gamers want more than anything else is to have less content, pre-opened packaging, and for our dicks to be rammed down their throats as deep as possible at every turn.”
Paul Raines, Gamestop’s CEO, defended attacks from publishers, human rights activists, and gaming “journalists” who were enraged that the monolith admitted to hiring hackers to break into Steam’s secure servers and “take all the good shit out of [Deus Ex].” Unlike the physical copies of the game, which had previously contained a code for a free digital version of Human Revolution on the OnLive streaming service, Steam copies accessed by Gamestop had other content removed.
Upon launching the first-person shooter via Steam, many users found they no longer had access to basic gameplay mechanics such as “jumping” or “not dying when they put the robot parts in you at the beginning.” Other users found missing textures or music tracks, and almost all players who also had the OnLive client installed on their hard drives discovered access to the platform had been mysteriously blocked.
“When gamers shop at Gamestop,” Raines said in between gorging himself on the fatted meat of human infants, “they’re looking for a defined experience. Companies who concept, develop, and publish video games don’t understand what players want. We do.” When asked how this applied to Steam, Raines continued, “When gamers don’t shop at Gamestop, we find they spend most of their time wishing they had shopped there. So we’re bringing the experience to gamers, no matter how far they’ve managed to crawl from our clutches.”
While it is currently unknown how Gamestop’s team of hackers infiltrated Valve’s servers and edited millions of lines of code, the digital distributor is currently not taking any action to correct the situation. Pressed for comment, Valve President Gabe Newell remarked, “We could undo the damage, but it’s Gamestop! What if they find out it was me and cancel my subscription to Game Informer? I’ll never know if there’s a new Madden game coming out next year.”