Back when I was trying to get this gig, I wrote an article about things you should keep around your gaming station for maximum efficiency/awesomeness. Upon reflection, I had a realisation the other day that I often sacrifice my own healthy hydration at the expense of prawning some nubs, arguing on Facebook and trolling the living shit out of innocent people in League of Legends.
“Well golly jee,” thought I, “perhaps other people may suffer from such an affliction. Even, dare I suggest, the dear readers of Top Tier Tactics!”
“Tush and fie, I must help them lest they happen upon a lengthy debate on the state of e-sports and tumble into the wrong frame of mind!”
It was precisely at that moment I started typing furiously, passing out from dehydration and losing the original file. So now, for your health, the new and improved list of best drinks to imbibe whilst gaming!
Coke/Pepsi/Coke Zero/ Pepsi Max/etc
What it says about you: Damn it man, you’re thirsty and you just don’t give a shit what there is to drink. You could make something to drink by combining juices and water but there are fools to school and there just isn’t time. Open up one of the five two-litre bottles, pour that shit into a glass and get drinking.
Hell, screw the last part, just chug the bottle. All of it. Why? Because you’re busy and have shit to do, didn’t you read the sentence above? Amateur. Sugary goodness, caffeine and artificial colourings, what more could you need? Nothing, that’s what. Shut up.
Why drink it: Given the constant competition between different cola products, drinking your choice and declaring it to anyone who’ll listen is a fantastic way to start a
fight argument ‘discussion’ whilst in a game. You’re drinking Coke and someone says Pepsi is better? Correct them. Drinking Pepsi and someone says Coke is better? Correct them harder. The point of this is to get the enemy team so fixated on your assholeishness that they all stop what they’re doing to call you an idiot for making such a big deal over something like a drinking brand.
This is the beginning of a much longer troll where you berate the other team when they lose and blame the fact they lost on their choice of a much lesser syrup beverage. If someone decides to be a smart-arse and say they’re drinking water, call them an indecisive Communist who probably wants to get rid of the death penalty. You’re now in phase two of your troll and nothing can stop you. You’re welcome.
Possible dangers: If you spill that shit on your keyboard, you’ll be cursed with sticky keys. Not the thing you get when you press shift five times; this is worse. Keys stick down when you don’t want them to, your fingers get all gunky and you can get a nasty build up of brown crap on your keyboard if you’re not careful. Worse, it could somehow get in the electronics and mess things up. I’m not sure how that’d happen (I’m a writer, not a physicist) but you can bet your ass you’ll get an electrical fault as soon as you don’t want one.
Spirit mixed with a soft drink
What it says about you: Whoa, watch out guys, we’ve got someone over here looking to have a little party! Friends decided not to go out to the pub after all? Overstocked on moonshine? Lack the provisions to make yourself a decent alcoholic beverage? Grab whatever drink you thought you were going to consume and throw some rum in it. Ta da! Instant annoying person on the microphone.
Of course you’re not really being annoying, you’re just acting like most people would if they were on a night out but surrounded by jaded bastards and/or children who want you to turn off your microphone and don’t know what a mute function is. You could just be waiting to go out with some pals, enjoying a few pre-drink drinks… but to everyone else, you’re an alcoholic.
Why drink it: Here’s a better question: Why not? Oh right, the whole “Wowww I’m soooo drunk you guuuiyss…” thing. You don’t really need an excuse to drink a light alcoholic drink like this but there is an especially important word of warning in the next section if you choose to do so, and it goes triple if you’re young and quadruple if you’re not young and want to have some self-respect.
Possible dangers: Drinking whilst playing with a group of people can lead to a number of embarrassing situations. Drama gets dragged back up, shouting matches can happen, trade windows get left open (!) but there is one very important thing to remember: never, under any circumstances, mention how much you’ve been drinking. You can say how long you’ve been drinking, that’s fine and dandy, but never say how many drinks you had.
Why? “Oh guys, I’ve just had my fourth Steamboat and I’m sooooo buzzed right now” is why. All you need is one asshole with a good memory (me) or recording equipment (still me) and you’ll be forever known as that one guy who got so super drunk because someone told him he was drinking imported whiskey when it was actually dog piss.
What it says about you: You’re British.
Why drink it: You’re British.
Possible dangers: “HEY YUR BRITUSH LOLOLOLOL”
Half-caff half-fat soy latte grande with rose scented syrup and vegan dark-chocolate biscotti
What it says about you: What the hell is that? Is that a coffee or something? Wait, I see the word ‘vegan’ in there. I don’t like you.
Why drink it: Just give me a minute, I need to come back to this. No really, fuck this shit, I don’t even know what this drink’s supposed to be. Hell, I learned Japanese, forgot a shit load of vocabulary, forgot how to read their alphabet and even that is easier to decipher than this pile of pretentious garbage. Is it German? I know they compound words to make other words because of… something… but this is just insane.
Right, I’m calling a damn linguist.
Possible dangers: OK, so the linguist hung up the phone when I read this sentence of a drink name out loud, so I can only assume that it may not be a terrestrial language in any way, shape or form. I still see the word ‘vegan’ is this abomination of a name, so I’m going to say that the danger here is that you could come across as a pretentious asshole who needs to be bludgeoned to death.
Who knows, maybe it isn’t that bad? But without being able to verify this alien fucking dialect, a decent analysis is impossible.
What it says about you: The name’s Fucker. Classy Fucker. When I’m not tending to my multi-billion dollar corporation, I like to waste a little time mingling with new potential customers in their natural environment whilst silently (or not so silently) judging them using my money. Money can do that, you know. Ever hear the expression ‘Money talks’? It’s literal. Of course, you have to have a lot of money to hear it, which you don’t. It whispers, you see. Yes.
Why drink it: You mean apart from the fact that you get an instant +10 Charisma at the expense of, like, -2 Dexterity? It’s a fantastic way of celebrating breakfast and it gets you shit-faced in a small number of extremely classy sips. You, sir or madam, have obviously never had a martini. Go make one: 60ml of Vodka to 20ml dry vermouth and shake it to buggery, pour into a cocktail glass, sip it, and tell me you don’t want to drink it all the damn time. Do you not want to drink it all the damn time?
You’re a liar.
Possible dangers: You may inadvertently start talking like Sean Connery. This is entirely normal and isn’t really a danger unless you come across the actual Sean Connery. Then it’d jusht be sho awkward that you’ll have to fight to the death, Highlander.