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I strive to be a complete assho… just like you. I really do. I’ve done things like putting the dead guy’s finger up his own nose at a funeral. I’ve laughed at children who have been hurt, right infront of them. I have also fed chicken nuggets to a chicken. These are just some (3) of the things i have done THIS WEEK*
I think there is a next level to being just like you. Please tell me the secrets of “fulfilling a more spiteful existence”.
*italics and caps for dramatic effect
Dear Not Wing,
I don’t know where you got the impression that I am some kind of hate-fueled sadist. In all my years months crossed out for effect weeks of advice-giving, I’ve only ever acted in the interest of my readers and their loved ones. If, in the course of following my advice, some misguided misanthropes have made terrible, irreversible, life-destroying errors, what can I say? Nobody forced them to enslave their mothers, defy the laws of physics, or stalk women they liked…
Let’s look at your own problems: desecration of the dead, ignorance of the suffering of others, and acting as an accomplice to cannibalism. Did it ever occur to you that your terrible behavior is actually the result of your own insecurities? Perhaps, in a previous life, you were upset about the loss of a loved one. Or you were left to bleed on a field of battle. Or you were a poultry. We have to be able to identify the sources of our pain, overcome them, then learn from those experiences.
Lucky for you, there’s an easy way to do that. For just $3,999.99/month, I will evaluate your life and show you how to correct your misguided course. Not sure why your girlfriend hates you? I’ll date her and let you know. Parents fed up with your bed-wetting problem? Let me move into your house* and eat their food. Job treating you unfairly? Forward your paychecks to me, and I’ll experiment with hedonistic lifestyles until I find one that can suit you.
Of course, none of these services can begin until I receive the first payment of $3,999.99. I’ll be checking the mailbox.
Future Fighting Games
My friend just got SSF4. The only way I stand a chance against him when I play is when I spam low-kicks, but I’m not nearly good enough to pull off that infinite combo yet. Is there anything, uh, easier that I can do to get better?
I have so many questions for you: what character(s) does your friend use? What is his general strategy? Did you try giving him a dummy stick yet?
Assuming you’re playing as El Fuerte, you’ve got it all wrong. El Fuerte’s low kicks suck. Unless you are planning a variety of tick-throw setups (if you don’t know what this means, give up now), your game should be based on wakeup pressure and, of course, infinite combos.
When you’re playing as El Fuerte, it’s pretty easy to know if you’re doing a good job. Every 7 seconds, check to see if your opponent has rage quit yet. If not, you’re not playing El Fuerte correctly. Apply mid-range pressure with your normals and focus attack, mix in your low slide and grab, and punish jumps with Fuerte’s super slick scissor kicks. Once you’ve score a knockdown, it’s time for Fajita Buster headgames. In general, just do the exact opposite of what your opponent thinks you’re going to do. It’s pretty easy once you’ve reached yomi level 8 or higher.
Of course, if you’re terrible at El Fuerte, there is another option: choose a characters whose low kick spam is good. M. Bison is notorious for his lk, lk, lk, Scissor Kick combo, which is incredibly safe, deals chip damage, and has caused more Tournament Edition sticks to be thrown out of windows than any other hit-confirm bullshit. I mean, seriously? Fuck M. Bison.
Future Fanatical Failure
Yup, me again. I noticed that, even though they’re silly, your tips aren’t really worth much for real life. So why not ask for help in virtual life?
Y’know, I joined a PL server once, went soldier and had an AMAZING killing spree. The problem is just that… I actually helped my team! Please, Mr. T3, help me cure this problem as fast as possible, or else i might even win a game *shudder*
So, you’re looking for ways to stop being a productive player in Team Fortress 2? Why didn’t you just ask sooner? Hell, I’ve been doing that since Beta.
- Go Pyro, then tell your team over text or voice chat that there’s an enemy Spy disguised as you. Spend the entire round acting like an enemy Spy. Hang around Sentries, staring at the Engineer. When he shoots you, run away. Run directly at the backs of your teammates, then retreat when they spot you. It is entirely possible to get half your team chasing you around the map for minutes at a time.
- Go Pyro, equip the Homewrecker, then follow your team’s Engineers around the map. Don’t be fooled, the Homewrecker is just for show. Whenever you see an ammunition crate, fast-switch to your Degreaser, fire a single puff of flame, then take the ammo. If the Engineer complains about you “stealing metal,” retort that you’re puffing the air near ammo boxes to Spy check. If a Spy does show up, take out your Homewrecker and treat the Engineer to a wicked guitar solo.
- Go Pyro. Play as usual.
I hope these tips can keep you as unproductive as you care to be. I’m sure this site’s enthusiastic commenters can come up with all sorts of ways to be terrible at Team Fortress 2 (hint hint).
*You will have to move out for the investigation to proceed in an efficient manner.